i think i like xanga better.

 
I talked to John last night.
My ex-boyfriend whom I dated for almost 3 years. Even the word 'ex-boyfriend' still sounds strange to me.
I can't believe how much I miss him. I think that if I hadn't called him, I'd be okay.
I called him to get together and have lunch or see a movie or something... since we've been at school, i've seen him less than I ever have. I guess the architechtural class he is taking is a crazy amount of work.

Why I Miss John.
1. I called him last night.
a. I usually don't. I'm usually at school, pre-occupied with other things. Like Joe.
2. He's going away to work at some retarded camp for less than minimum wage until the end of August. Why!? Because he likes the work.
a. He first worked there with Americorps. We stayed together while he was in Americorps... I thought I was going to marry him.
b. Why can't he just find a job at home?
3. I read an e-mail he sent to me on 05.13.02.
a. I didn't read it until today because I haven't checked that account's activity since I got my college address.
b. Reminded me of why I broke up with him... to seek independence.
i. Not possible if you are with someone else 24 hours of the day.
c. Almost made me cry again.

John, I'm sorry. I love you so much. I still do. I always will. I'm sorry about the Joe situation. We're not dating. He just has this attachment towards me. And I... well I have some sort of subconcious need to have someone around. I can't believe I let him break us up. I know that in your letter you said that you were finally able to say what you've wanted to say in a long time... Goodbye, for instance. Please don't John. I need you. You're such an important part of my life. I'm sorry I didn't express it more to you before. And now... I've lost you. I hate myself for that.

John, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to know me while I was so naïve. I'm sorry I hurt you... more than once. I'm sorry you went to so much trouble for me. But I wanted to thank you for it. I suppose I'll never get the chance.

I don't want this to turn into a sappy 'I am sad over my ex' posting or more than it already is... We broke up in September. It's over now. You even told me that you were ready to move on. Please, please, please do me a favor--find someone that's not like me... someone that's worthy for you. You deserve So Much, John.



Feeling: Staring at wrists. Considering suicide... again. Decide to sleep on it and give it another day. Besides... it's more obvious during the summer... wearing tank tops and short-sleeve shirts.

 
What the. 3 months since I've blogged? I guess I've been a bit... "busy".

FYI do not speak to me. I am a conformist. I now also have a blog on Xanga. Read Here.

School is over. Finished with a D, C- and C. Yippee. Things seem to be looking up already.

Not so much.

Feeling: It's over now - Neve