i think i like xanga better.

 
I talked to John last night.
My ex-boyfriend whom I dated for almost 3 years. Even the word 'ex-boyfriend' still sounds strange to me.
I can't believe how much I miss him. I think that if I hadn't called him, I'd be okay.
I called him to get together and have lunch or see a movie or something... since we've been at school, i've seen him less than I ever have. I guess the architechtural class he is taking is a crazy amount of work.

Why I Miss John.
1. I called him last night.
a. I usually don't. I'm usually at school, pre-occupied with other things. Like Joe.
2. He's going away to work at some retarded camp for less than minimum wage until the end of August. Why!? Because he likes the work.
a. He first worked there with Americorps. We stayed together while he was in Americorps... I thought I was going to marry him.
b. Why can't he just find a job at home?
3. I read an e-mail he sent to me on 05.13.02.
a. I didn't read it until today because I haven't checked that account's activity since I got my college address.
b. Reminded me of why I broke up with him... to seek independence.
i. Not possible if you are with someone else 24 hours of the day.
c. Almost made me cry again.

John, I'm sorry. I love you so much. I still do. I always will. I'm sorry about the Joe situation. We're not dating. He just has this attachment towards me. And I... well I have some sort of subconcious need to have someone around. I can't believe I let him break us up. I know that in your letter you said that you were finally able to say what you've wanted to say in a long time... Goodbye, for instance. Please don't John. I need you. You're such an important part of my life. I'm sorry I didn't express it more to you before. And now... I've lost you. I hate myself for that.

John, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to know me while I was so naïve. I'm sorry I hurt you... more than once. I'm sorry you went to so much trouble for me. But I wanted to thank you for it. I suppose I'll never get the chance.

I don't want this to turn into a sappy 'I am sad over my ex' posting or more than it already is... We broke up in September. It's over now. You even told me that you were ready to move on. Please, please, please do me a favor--find someone that's not like me... someone that's worthy for you. You deserve So Much, John.



Feeling: Staring at wrists. Considering suicide... again. Decide to sleep on it and give it another day. Besides... it's more obvious during the summer... wearing tank tops and short-sleeve shirts.

 
What the. 3 months since I've blogged? I guess I've been a bit... "busy".

FYI do not speak to me. I am a conformist. I now also have a blog on Xanga. Read Here.

School is over. Finished with a D, C- and C. Yippee. Things seem to be looking up already.

Not so much.

Feeling: It's over now - Neve

 
Watergate (WOH-tuhr-gayt) noun

A scandal involving abuse of office, deceit, and cover-up.

Feeling? Tired and depressed. Haven't you ever wanted to walk into a room and just be known? When I first started coming to TOSU (The Ohio State University), EVERY Asian person would ask, "Oh!!! Have you met Joy yet?! She's the sweetest!!" I've always wanted someone to say that about me. Or something similar to it. I've never walked into a room where "JESSICA!!!" has been shouted and a hug has been thrown at me. But I see it all the time with the people I hang out with. It's saddening to walk into a room and have no one acknowledge your presence with even a simple hello.

I've realized that the only true friend I have here is Joe. And I honestly pity him. He doesn't know me yet and I'm so scared of the day he does. What will he think? That I'm another lost cause? I got an e-mail from Andrew today, affirming that I am not a Christian. It is incredulously long and continues on about how God saved everyone. I KNOW, Andrew. I'm just sorry I'm not as vocal about it as you are. And I'm sorry that I'm so disappointing, that people who DON'T KNOW ME (like YOU) can just affirmatively claim that I am a Non-Christian. THANKS.

Goodnight all... I'm off to dreamland in hopes of finishing my mass amount of homework in the morning.

 
buskin (BUS-kin) noun

1. A thick-soled, laced boot, reaching to knee or calf, worn by actors of ancient Greek and Roman tragedies. Also known as cothurnus.
2. A tragic drama.

Hmm.... Just random knowledge. I'm signed up with Wordsmith and they send a word of the day via e-mail.

Feeling? Incredibly depressed... I want to go home and hug my dog. I don't really have anyone to talk to here and I frustrate Joe. Whenever he gets upset it makes me cry. I don't know why i do it. Even when I get into a heated argument with my parents, I cry. I hate fighting. Joe wants to be here for me, but we're too similar and both too stubborn for our own good sometimes.

I was walking to class and thinking as usual... I think I realized why it's been so depressing lately... Just random things, you know? I'd win the "Most Likely To Kill Herself" award if there were one here. I want to so badly. I hate being here, but Joe reminded me that all suicides go to Hell for taking their own life. Which is why "What Dreams May Come" is soo depressing for me everytime I watch it. Makes you think, you know?

I walked downstairs to the lobby to find Jason, Tammy, Dawoon, Katherine, Maria and some others. I don't know why I can't fit in. The only reason I can find is that I don't go to InterVarsity all the time. Or Angela's Bible Study Small Group. I can't put what I was thinking back into words, but while I was walking to (maybe from? I'm losing my memory) class, I had this sort of, epiphany (or what have you). Again, my memory has really been failing me lately, but from what I can remember, I realized that when people like Andrew or James tell Joe that he shouldn't hang out with me anymore because I'm not Christian enough, situations like this usually yield one of two results: 1. retaliation - Okay fine, You wanna fight? (you're not my mom, I'll do as I please... this eventually leads to hatred)
2. acceptance - I know, I'm trying to do something about it (and because it's an insult to yourself, you try very hard to change their opinion)

My situation has taken more of a downfall. I can't stand the people who try to force me into a religion. And because those kids are the majority of my friends, I always see them off doing Christian stuff, excluding me... which is why they are all such great friends.

I'm not smart like everyone. I didn't get any scholarships to attend school. I didn't do well my first year. My mom is losing her job - the only stable job in the family. My brother is a sophomore in high school. He'll be attending college in 2 years. He deserves a chance.

I've lost my steady boyfriend of almost 3 years. I love him so much. Just last night, he mentioned that we can't be friends under our circumstances... He just... can't.

I'm falling in love with another. I don't want to. But he's so sure of everything.

"You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.
You're everything I've tried to find, your love is a pearl.
You're my Mona Lisa, you're my rainbow skies,
and my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be Beautiful in My eyes."

Are there such things as soul mates?

Somebody help me.
I'm hurting so badly I don't know how to make it stop.

 
apodictic (ap-uh-DIK-tik) adjective, also apodeictic

Demonstrably true.

It is apodictic that Jessica Lin is a true procrastinator. I sat at my computer from 10 p.m. - 8:30 a.m. writing a 4 page English paper on sublime literature and magic realism and how they are shown in Gabriel García Marquez' short story, "A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings." How is that possible? I'm not sure... I guess I was really distracted. You know how it is, when you're thinking about a certain someone. Well mine was talking to a past interest. It really got me worried for some reason. He was told to listen to a song with the following lyrics:

/ funny when you stop and think / time goes faster than you blink / but nothing's ever like it was /
/ (girl) we've got a special thing / and all the happiness it brings / is more than enough /
/ i know it's hard to believe / you're still the biggest part of me / all i'm living for /
/ i still think about you / i still dream about you / i still want you, and need you by my side
/ i'm still mad about you / all I ever wanted was you / you're still the one, you're still the one /
/ it's hard to breathe when we're apart / you're the sunshine in my heart / i'd keep you here inside /
/ you've been everything to me / you've been and always will be / the apple of my eye /
/ and i know it's hard to believe / you're still the biggest part of me / all i'm living for /
/ i still think about you / i still dream about you / i still want you, and need you by my side
/ i'm still mad about you / all I ever wanted was you / you're still the one, you're still the one /
/ if you love me look into my eyes and say you do / i've been waiting all my life for someone just like you /
/ baby after all the things you do / (girl) i'm still in love with you / and i want you to know i do, i do
/ i still think about you / i still dream about you / i still want you, and need you by my side
/ i'm still mad about you / all I ever wanted was you / you're still the one, you're still the one /

Nice, huh? Yeah... It's cute. Sometimes I find myself drowning in my playlist of winamp music. As corny as it sounds, a certain song hit me with the following lyrics:

/ sometimes i think that a true love can never be / i just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me /
/ life can be cruel in a way that i can't explain / and i don't think i could face it all again /

I've had issues with relationships and now I am taking a hiatus from any and all possible relationships. I've found it difficult though. I've met the most perfect person for me and I think we'd be so great for each other. He finishes my sentences, opens my doors, buys me gifts, does my homework ^-^, gives out free massages, plays sports (and I love his friends he plays basketball with), and most importantly, loves me... and tells me everyday. What's wrong with me? I think the biggest thing that is holding me back is this promise I made to my ex boyfriend. I wouldn't date him because he attempted to interfere with my past relationship, and he thought that was very disrespectful. I don't know... Things are so complicated right now. I am going crazy! I love them both. *sigh*

I haven't touched my guitar in months. Everyone at school is so much better than I am and no one is willing to teach me. They don't want to hang out with me because I'm not a very vocal Christian. Andrew even made me give back his book before I even started reading it. He gave me a time limit and said "Well, it looks like you're not really interested in this. Can I have my book back?" Thanks. And the rest of the little Asian Clan isn't too accepting of me either because they're ALL Very Christian. This guy even personally invited me to his "Fundamentals of Christianity" group he was holding. Does he assume I know nothing about the religion? Thanks again. Sometimes I hate being here. I can't find anyone that can relate to me. Except Joe. Lately, we're inseparable. You can't find him without me and vice versa. He's the only one keeping me going lately. I love him so much for that. Even though he's encountered my "issues", he's still there.

Okay this has to be all from me for now. I keep nodding off because I'm so exhausted. Goodnight, God Bless and Happy Chinese New Year ^_^